Grief: Volume 2 of **insert shrug here**
Welcome back to my series on grief. It’s taken me a few months to feel up to writing this next installment, but with Mother’s Day right around the corner I’m feeling like an emotional basket case anyway. Might as well channel that angst into the art of the written word, yes? It’s probably a good thing I’m not painting right now, lest I spiral into madness and pull a Van Gogh.
… I have too many beautiful earrings. It would be such a waste.
Yes, writing is much safer. Just ask Sylvia Plath.
For anyone new to my grief blogs, my mother passed away in September of 2018 after a battle with metastatic pancreatic cancer. I kept a journal during her illness to help me cope, relieve stress, and get the process on paper in case there was any wisdom to be found in my ramblings. During the worst time of my life I think it was only natural to feel desperation to make some good come out of the experience. I don’t know if these blogs will help anyone else who is grieving, but here’s hoping.
Without further ado, on to Volume 2!
God/Higher Power/Source/whatever you believe in doesn’t give you more than you can handle - Now, I’ll be honest. There are days this saying that is so often circulating the internet in an endless cycle of flowery and angelic memes just Pissed. Me. Off. I felt like the Higher Power surely mistook me for someone else who had boastfully suggested they could handle ANYTHING thrown at them. Hit ‘em with Their best shot. Apocalypse? They got this, hold their beer.
I’m perfectly okay with a life of smooth sailing. I do not crave adversity. I have no desire to attempt to survive the apocalypse. You know that show Naked and Afraid, where the participants are given starting Primitive Survival Scores? My husband and I joke I’d be the only contestant to start with a negative score. It’s funny because it’s TRUE. And I don’t drink beer. So honestly, what the f***, Higher Power?!
But here’s the thing. In the midst of a crisis or extreme emotional or physical pain, this saying seems like absolute shit. But if you survive it? Well, it holds true, doesn’t it?
Here I am, alive and kickin’, not having taken the path of Ms. Plath, and confessing to perfect strangers that I watch Naked and Afraid. I obviously COULD handle it.
My advice is once you get over the fury of that Higher Power having put you through hell, reflect on what the experience taught you. What good came of it? If nothing else, you may have increased faith in your own emotional and physical strength.
We learn a lot from our suffering, but it’s okay to feel like telling the Higher Power “Lord, I just don’t feel like learning ANYMORE today!” - In fact, I’d encourage you to do it. If you pray silently, go ahead and say it in your mind. Or literally scream it at the heavens. I am DONE learning for today! It feels good to put that energy out there, and in my experience a reprieve soon follows.
We can learn from moments of intense joy as well as moments of intense pain - Thank goodness for this, because I don’t know about you, but I’d wish to be ignorant as hell if it meant escaping all this pain. We evolve, grow, and become closer to our true selves with ALL of our life experiences, good or bad. What really matters is that we’re present enough to absorb those lessons.
Being present in the moment is hard. Like, really, really hard.
If it’s a painful moment, we wish for it it to be over as soon as possible. We’re thinking of happier times in the past or hoping for better times ahead. Just praying away our time because the present feels unbearable.
If it’s a joyful moment, how many times have you not REALLY been present? I can vividly remember on so many of my incredible vacations I’ve had the privilege of taking, not being present. I was gazing out at a sunset in Hawaii, listening to bells toll in the cathedrals of Florence, wriggling my toes in the pink sands of Bermuda, and thinking “…only 4 days left of this vacation. Man, that sucks. It’ll be hard to go back to school/work. I wonder how much weight I’ve gained on this trip….”
What a waste! Stop worrying about the future and just BE. Be in the moment, the crappy ones and the fantastic ones. Because that’s all life is - a series of moments. And we’re missing them.
Time with loved ones is not guaranteed - You truly never know what moment may be the last with someone. Now, you mustn’t make yourself batty over this, clinging to your loved ones and babbling “I love you!” on constant repeat when they’re just getting up to go to the bathroom. But this is yet another reason to really immerse yourself in the moment.
Appreciate them and what they bring to your life.
Ask your questions today instead of tomorrow. I did a lot of this with my mom, but I wish I had done more, and more importantly I wish I had written more of it down. Particularly the family lore of which there is a lot, coming from a family of wacky Italians/Sicilians.
Make time for a goodbye hug/kiss/I love you. It takes mere seconds, and when you reflect on how you parted with someone should they exit your life unexpectedly, you’ll feel good about your actions.
Don’t smother them, because no one (particularly someone who has a terminal illness) wants to feel like they are being curated for posterity and there’s a timer ticking down on the process. But just BE with them when you can. Even if not physically, because sometimes miles separate us, but pick up a phone. To talk, not to text.
I KNOW, smart phones actually do that! Are you mind blown? Seriously, call them. Because I miss my mom’s voice so much it physically hurts. I have one saved voicemail from her that I play on repeat when I just can’t bear her absence another second. Trust me. You can keep your millennial status if you eat avocado toast WHILE you call them.
Upon recalling missed opportunities with loved ones who have passed, regret is not a useful emotion - There is nothing to be gained by punishing yourself for something that cannot be changed. I have no use for regret in my life, but it does try to elbow its way in now and again. It is far better to merely reflect on what you wish you had done, learn from it, and apply that new awareness towards current and future interactions with others.
How are you doing with Volume 2? Speaking for myself only, I feel lighter and a little less basket case-like. I think I did a lot right by my mom, but I wasn’t perfect, and that’s okay. I’ve learned, I’ve loved, I’ve lost, and I’m still standing. Against every odd the universe threw at me. …and the universe had one hell of an arm some days.
Stay tuned for Volume 3, when I can manage it. And go call your loved ones.
Ask if they saw that episode of Naked and Afraid where they killed a nutria to eat it and wear the pelts. Because I was reminded of the nutria coat that my Great Auntie Edie had. She used to tell me it was mink and let me play dress up in it, and I thought I was so fancy. Until my mom gave me the real scoop and informed me it was nutria, essentially a giant water rat. Hrmph. Mom was not about to raise an uncultured swine of a daughter who couldn’t tell mink from rat. Ah, that family lore! Go get some.