Poison Ivy: Tips and Tricks After a Year in the Trenches
When we bought our house last year, it was new construction on land that had been previously undeveloped for who knows, 10 years? Maybe more? Shortly after we moved in, our neighbors confessed that for years they had been pulling poison ivy from their property and throwing it onto ours as it was still undeveloped. Well, lucky us! We bought a literal poison ivy farm, lovingly tended to by the neighbors for a decade.
It's a horrible plant with no redeeming features I can see beyond the lovely shade of red it turns in the fall. You know what else turns a lovely shade of red? My skin after I've touched it, so it's got to go. I truly cannot express the extent of this infestation. This is no little patch, this is the ENTIRE perimeter of our yard including some vines that are straight out of Jumanji - several inches in diameter and threatening to pull down trees.
After a year of battle, this is what I've learned.
* When going into battle, you must dress the part. All exposed skin must be covered. Long pants, preferably tucked into boots that can be washed off, long sleeves, gloves. I enjoy those athletic hoodies that have the thumb loops so the sleeves stay tucked into my gloves. This is far superior to my initial attempt in which I duct taped my sleeves to my gloves. No circulation in my fingers by the time I finished, and couldn't get the &*^% tape off without scissors (that I couldn't retrieve without contaminating my kitchen.)
* You will want pockets to carry around your phone to listen to music or podcasts. It's important to have a distraction to transport you somewhere better than the hell you're in, sweltering amidst an infestation of a plant that wants to kill you. Arrange your podcast or music playlist carefully before you suit up, because once you're in there don't touch and contaminate that phone! I once got stuck listening to a 2 hour podcast on the Holocaust. Just when I thought I couldn't feel worse.
* There are many products on the market advertised as "brush killer" and supposedly amazing on poison ivy. These work to wither and brown the plants, but they will not spare you the inevitable task of having to pull out the roots to avoid regrowth. You should still buy them though, by the gallon, because as a new homeowner it's your job to spend double your mortgage at Lowe's or Home Depot. And it's a lovely conversation starter when your neighbor hears the whir of your power sprayer and looks off into the distance, wistfully, and murmurs... "is that for poison ivy? Been fighting that myself since 1987...."
* You will want to double-bag this stuff, first in a thick yard or contractor-style trash bag, and then in the town trash removal orange bags (if you live where I do). You will be bitter about this, because it's already a racket that you have to pay for special town trash bags, and now adding ANOTHER extraneous bag to the mix? Do you care if the ivy pokes through the bags and infects your trash collectors? Yes, yes you probably do. Harness your rage and renew your ivy attack!
* Sometimes when pulling the roots, you will find a tangle that extends several feet in about 5 different directions, and you will feel like the soldier in The Hurt Locker pulling up that ridiculous explosive. You will contemplate just abandoning the battle and moving. Think this through. Which is more annoying and painful? That's a decision every homeowner has to make for themselves.
* Eventually you have to decide when you're done for the day. This is never determined by actually getting all the poison ivy - that doesn't happen. Ever. This is determined by hitting your limit on how much trash you can squish in your barrel, or when you're on the verge of heat stroke and don't want your obituary to read "_____ is survived by her husband, dog, and approximately 2 acres of lush, poison ivy forest." Make the call and throw in the proverbial towel.
* Now, you have to undress. This is almost worse than the suiting up process. Remove one glove carefully (depending on how wrecked it got you may wish to throw this out, or try to launder it) so you can get in the house. Boots stay outside, leave tools in the sink to be scrubbed later, and pad your way cautiously into the laundry room. You may wish to watch a helpful movie like Outbreak to observe decontamination processes and how to safely remove clothing to put into the washer. Eventually you will be down to undergarments and ready to get into the shower. This will surely be across the house or on another floor so you must scurry past your significant other looking your absolute finest in sweat soaked granny panties, face smudged with dirt and leaf clippings, and an expression of defeat on your face. It's a good look.
* Once in the shower you must use room temp water, not hot. This is so your pores do not open and allow absorption of the offensive oil before you get a chance to wash it off. You won't mind the cool temp because as noted, you were on the verge of heat stroke anyway. Now you scrub. I recommend a mix of original blue Dawn, and Tecnu specialty poison ivy soap. You should lather and scrub every crevice, and then go back over yourself with the addition of a wash cloth. Friction and oil-dissolving soap is the key to success here. Perhaps diffuse some aromatherapy while you do it and try to convince yourself you're just exfoliating in a spa.
* When you're done and dry and dressed, you should probably lie on your bedroom floor for a while. You're weak from dehydration (you didn't want to touch anything in the kitchen while still contaminated so you haven't had a drink yet) and your back is destroyed from poor body mechanics when you were flailing to get out of the way as one of those Hurt Locker roots let go without warning and flew at your face. Your significant other may check on you eventually, but by now they are used to your motionless form on the ground after the latest Ivy Battle.
* Eventually you will wander downstairs and collapse on the couch with a drink, and discuss other possible options because you just cannot continue this fruitless endeavor. Different herbicides, hiring landscapers, renting goats, acquiring Napalm on the Black Market, kidnapping your neighbors who contributed to this plight and making them do it, etc. (You should probably check your town ordinances on the Napalm and kidnapping.)
* Much like childbirth, your poison ivy hell will become a wisp of a memory and within a week (maybe two) you will become emboldened and wish to wage war yet again. Lather, rinse, repeat for the duration of your homeownership. May want to buy stock in Lowe's and hydrocortisone while you're at it. Might as well make a buck during your misery.